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In the periods of time I have spent seeking Christ, He has shared truths from His Word that have set me free from the chains that bound me. The process has been quite a ride! I earnestly seek to know God better and want to continue to please Him with my life. Although I am walking with God in obedience, I have known many seasons of disobedience. I have walked right into the enemy’s playground and have known defeat too many times because I had little knowledge of God’s Word and God’s love. Fear and desire for approval influenced me, but through this process of writing, God has brought me to new levels of freedom.
I have known multiple forms of bondage in my life since childhood. Each left me vulnerable to all kinds of temptations. By age nine, I was pulling out my hair by the handfuls from the stresses of shame and bondage. During the writing process, I found a picture of me that I would like to share with you. It spoke volumes about the kind of bondage I was in. I was posing in stocks in Williamsburg, Virginia. Although I was just posing, you can see the shackles around my wrist and the bald spot on my head. As I stared at the picture for the first time in years, I heard the Holy Spirit whisper to my heart, “you have been in shackles since childhood and it’s time to break free of them and walk in freedom, my child.”
The exposure to sexual sin at a young age and having raw emotional wounds left me vulnerable to the enemy. Because of these wounds, I was often caught off guard by the enemy and fell for his schemes. Whether I was acting out in rebellion or numbing my pain through alcohol, drugs, or sexual sin, the enemy was keeping score of my wrongs and heaping shame upon shame. By the time I made it to the altar in marriage, it was all I could do to hold my head high above the heaviness of shame. I never knew I could actually have a chance to be washed clean from my past and be a pure bride again. During the early years of my marriage I made choices that continued to heap shame upon shame. Ultimately it would bring me to a place of utter desperation.
I know what it feels like to want to give up living because the pain of regret and shame is so overwhelming that you just want to go home to the Father. I know what it feels like to hate yourself, yet wishing you knew how to love yourself.
I know what its like to have the King of Kings and Lord of Lords love on me, regardless of my past. I have seen the power of the Father come to my aid and teach me how to battle against the war waged against me. I’ve learned the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy, but the Father comes to give life. Even though the enemy tried to keep me defeated, the attacks drove me instead straight into the arms of my loving heavenly Father! I had pushed everyone nearest to me away, so when I called out for help from those closest to me, I got no answer. In that place of utter aloneness, though, I discovered I really was not alone. Someone was standing above my dark pit waiting for me to reach out for His hand. It was Jesus. I remember asking Him that if he was going to pull me out of this pit, to please chain my wrist to His so that I could not ever fall back in. He has been faithful to do so! The Bible has taught me that what Satan meant for harm, God can use for His glory. We serve a mighty God, and He has been so faithful to me even when I was not.
You see, the amazing thing is not only did God pull me out of that pit of sin, but he provided a few godly women to come along side of me to help me walk out my recovery. I will forever be grateful for them. His word promises to send aid to us time and time again. He was so faithful to do so! I will be honest with you. I don’t have it all together and I’m on a path just like you, to know the freedom Jesus came to give me. I, like you, still face temptations of many kinds and am learning to break free of other bondages in my life. However, God has made me aware of Satan’s schemes when it comes to sexual seduction and how to recognize it.
The Bible teaches us that God not only forgives our sins and redeems our lives, but he crowns us with love and compassion. We are all a work in progress. What a promise we share! May my journey encourage you to recognize the battle waging around us. May my life and yours be an example of God’s faithfulness to His promises!
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